It’s Tax Day and in typical fashion, I procrastinated and will be scrambling to get mine done before midnight. Not that my taxes are all that complex. More than likely I’ll file an extension because I’m an idiot.
A lot of it is a vicious cycle. I get overwhelmed rather easily sometimes with everything on my plate, and so I procrastinate because I don’t know what to do or where to begin with my to-do list. Because I often wait until the last minute, I get even more overwhelmed and stressed. Yadda yadda yadda, it’s Tax Day with nothing done.
The overwhelmed thing is a constant. I have so many things that need doing and, depending on the day and my state of mind, am barely capable of getting one or two items done. Stepping out of bed and performing basic hygiene are sometimes monumental tasks. On those days, my to-do list remains untouched. A sloth is a better example of motivation. Naturally, that puts me even further behind so I can freak out more the next day.
Take today, for example. Taxes are obviously the big one. I also need to go to the VA to exchange my sharps container for a new one. That’s the red biohazard box that I toss my used insulin syringes into. Procrastinating a grocery trip until we’re nearly out of bread and eggs means I have no choice but to go today. Goody for me, more stress! Fortunately, today isn’t an awful day for my social phobia. So far. I need to finish the short story I’m writing. Those are just four things out of a much longer list.
I let things pile up – mentally and physically – and then get even more overwhelmed than I already am as deadlines approach. So I stick my head in the sand and pretend like nothing is wrong and it’ll all go away. But it doesn’t go away. It’s all still waiting there for me when I come up for air to see if the coast is clear.
I am an expert in self-sabotage, which is like saying, “Hi, I’m amazing at punching myself in the face.” I mean, okay, but why?
It doesn’t help that I’ve been out of sorts ever since I got sick almost 6 weeks ago. My sleeping habits have been crap for a while, but lately they are worse than they’ve been in a long time. I’m often up until 4 or 5 in the morning, then I might get 5 hours of sleep if I’m lucky. This, in turn, makes my eating habits suffer. I’m eating meals just whenever, sometimes forgetting to eat at all. Not good for a diabetic.
I’m also isolating a lot more than usual, not a good thing for anyone who is depressed. Much of that is because I was home so much while sick. But because of the laryngitis/throat, I can’t go to karaoke where there’s cigarette smoke. I also can’t go hang at my best friend’s place because he smokes inside, too. So I’ve been home 90% of the time. Isolation breeds more isolation. In the past, I’ve gone weeks without leaving the house on numerous occasions. It’s a lot easier than you might think. And the more you don’t leave the house, the easier it gets to not leave the house.
I don’t know. It feels like I’m tossing bricks in the Grand Canyon. I get one thing finished and five more pop up in its place.
Right, I’m just burning daylight. I suppose this sloth ostrich needs to find his damn tax forms.