SecondHand Tryptophan

My Unfavorite Things

Nowadays it seems like memes are always pictures and graphics with funny text. But a meme is anything that gets passed around to the masses on social media. Quite often, that’s a little mini-quiz of sorts. They might, for example, give you a list of favorite categories for you to fill in. You know, questions like “What’s your favorite film?” and “What’s your favorite color?” I see those lists frequently. But you know what you never see? Lists of UNfavorite things. I’m going to fix that right now.

(Now, in the golden days of personal blogging, you might see dozens or more personal bloggers copy this meme over to their blogs and change the answers to show their least favorites. It’d be a fun little thing to do. But this is 2019 and there are seemingly just 8 personal bloggers left.)

Least favorite food: I have a number of foods I can’t stand. Lima beans are the obvious answer. They have been a lifelong enemy. However, they are easily avoidable decades later, now that I have escaped the evil clutches of my lima-bean-pushing parents. The biggie for me these days is probably any meat that has bones in it. This is why I’m not a big steak person…a bone-in steak, anyway. Pork chops. Bone-in ham steak. Chicken wings. No to all of it. Ribs for two reasons. First, the bones, and second, the mess. I hate when my fingers are a mess, so screw ribs. Yes, I can eat them with a knife and fork, but then there’s the whole thing where I have to explain to people why I won’t just pick them up and eat them. I don’t need people pointing out what a freak I am. I already know. It’s a production I’d rather avoid. So I do.

Least favorite word: Resilient. I’ve been called that word so many times over the years. I loathe it. All “resilient” means is you can take a lot of beatings and still not die. As if that means the beatings don’t still hurt like hell.

Least favorite phrase: “It is what it is.” Well, no shit, Sherlock. What else would it be?

Least favorite actor/actress: I’m going to go with Kevin Hart. I just don’t get what anyone sees in him. He just isn’t funny to me as either a comic or an actor.

Donnie Darko bunny rabbit

Least favorite movie: I’d have to go with “Donnie Darko” on this one. Total meh. I know. I’ve heard it all. It’s incredible! Amazing storytelling! I have friends who think this is the most brilliant movie they’ve ever seen. Course, they also think “Fight Club” is phenomenal and I didn’t like that one, either. All I know is I wish I could have those 2 hours and 13 minutes of “Darko” back. But do call me when it gets the MST3K treatment. That shit will be hilarious.

Least favorite color: Avocado green. The 70s were hell, I’ll tell you. Nobody had any sense of design or fashion. The color palettes haunt me to this day. Burnt orange, that off-gold, and avocado green? The hallucinogens were clearly flying freely. I don’t care for any light green, really. I’m more of a jewel tones sort of guy.

Least favorite animal: Crabs. They’re like giant sea spiders and they can all piss off. I watch “Deadliest Catch” and see those guys picking up those mutant fucking monsters and think there is no way I could do that job. Because, yeah, my dislike of crabs is the only thing keeping me from being an Alaskan king crab fisherman.

Least favorite genre of music: As I said before, I like most everything, save for a few genres. Not a fan of country.

Least favorite fashion choice that others make: Crocs. For the love of all that’s holy, people, stop with the Crocs.

Least favorite fashion choice that you’ve made: So many to choose from. Gonna have to go with parachute pants in the 80s, though my spiked pre-military mullet would probably make a safe choice, as well.

Least favorite fashion choice that others say I make: Cargo shorts. “You’re past the half-century mark, Karl. It’s time to ditch the cargo shorts.” Of course, these remarks all come from WOMEN, who are constantly bitching about not having enough pockets. Jealousy. It’s sad.

Least favorite candy: Black jelly beans. Gross. Black licorice is just nasty. That goes for all licorice flavored liqueurs, too.

Least favorite person: At the moment? I’ll give you two clues. (1) He has the complexion of a Dorito. (2) He lives in a very white house.

Least favorite body part: The second knuckle on my right hand. I don’t like the way it looks at me.

Least favorite scent: That’s a toss-up between fish, B.O., and vomit. Probably vomit. The smell of it makes me want to throw up. I think if I came across a hungover fish who just reeked of B.O. and kept on vomiting, I’d probably puke for weeks.

Scrappy Doo, the little thing that brought down the Scooby Doo universe

Least favorite TV character: Scrappy Doo. That little asshole was the Jar-Jar Binks of the Scooby Doo universe. Annoying on every level.

Least favorite city: Least favorite I’ve visited was Buffalo, New York. It was gray and cold and there was zilch to do. And, as we’ve already established above, the wings (famous as they may be) were not going to compensate.

Least favorite number: Usually my bank account balance.

Least favorite astrological sign: Leviticus. It’s the hidden 13th sign. Such a strict, strict sign. Okay, I don’t have a least favorite (or most favorite) sign because I don’t believe the position of the sun and stars and moon at the time of my birth makes one bit of difference.

Least favorite store: The one with all the people. Here at home, I’d say my least favorite is Walmart.

Least favorite season: Florida Summers. People come here for the awesome mild winters months, but the summers can be brutal. That humidity, man. Whew!

Least favorite sound: When people hock up a loogie and then spit it on the ground right near you.

Least favorite band: This could also go on for a while. I have a lot of bands and songs I can’t stand anymore, thanks to either my radio station days or karaoke. But I’ll just go with bands that I can’t stand even without those influences. It’s a triple tie. Dave Matthews, Rush, and Bruce Hornsby. All for the same reason: their voices are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I’d rather eat a bowl of lima/black-jelly-bean soup while watching “Donnie Darko” with Donald Trump sitting next to me reeking of fish and B.O. while explaining the entire movie to me than listen to Rush. Let me tell you how insane I was for this one woman. I endured an entire Rush CONCERT for her with CANDLEBOX as the opener! That’s a separate circle of hell, I assure you.

There should be a song. Instead of Julie Andrews singing “My Favorite Things,” we’ll have maybe Oscar the Grouch sing “My Unfavorite Things.”

My Unfavorite Things

Lyrics by Karl Erikson, apologies to Julie Andrews

And my apologies for the voice, which still isn’t up to snuff, which is why I’m finally going to see an ENT tomorrow morning.

Mustard on hot dogs
and nasty dill pickles
Geddy Lee's voice and that bread pumpernickel
Going to Walmart and buffalo wings
These are a few of my unfavorite things

Light-green-colored anything and news made from Foxes
Saying "I could care less" like a dumb bag of rockses
Racists and homophobes and Iowan Steve King
These are a few of my unfavorite things

Idiots who drive 35 in a 50
Cutting in line and POTUSes who are shifty
People not applauding after everyone sings
These are a few of my unfavorite things

When the toast burns
When the phone rings
When I'm hearing rap
I simply remember my unfavorite things
And then I go take a crap

4 thoughts on “My Unfavorite Things

  1. So much of this. Oh so much of this. From the Weird Al work to the Scrappy Doo hate to the lack of love for Donnie Darko. Love ya, man.

    And then you hate on my beloved black jelly beans and it ALL GOES TO HELL!!!

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